Nadiya.

I'm not usually an intense guy. Sure, I love reading dark stuff. But it's not often that you'll catch me brooding over a failed relationship, a friendship gone sour, or an unfortunate event.
I'm the kind of guy who takes things on his stride, tries to get a  few laughs out of it and move on.
My friend lost her mother recently. She was my closest friend. My best friend. My everything.
And to see her devastated, broke me.
She displayed emotions I was alien to. Sadness in other people terrorized me. I didn't know how to deal with it. To calm her down. To be her shoulder to cry on. I didn't know how to tell her that I was there for her.

So I did what I thought was best.
I stayed away.
I thought I'd be giving her "space", but I knew it was my fear of the lack of empathy that I possessed that was keeping me away. And I'm sure she did too. There are some things that best friends just...know.
I wish there was a way I could just clasp her hand in mine, and tell her everything would be alright.

  

Instead even when she tried to reach out to me, out of the fear of doing something wrong to muddle things up, I awkwardly, and very stupidly, decided to stay away.

Months passed, we drifted apart, and the only time we spoke was when I was drunk out of my mind. Or she was out of hers.

That was the only time I wasn't scared of her. Of hurting her.

And when she got drunk she didn't remember a thing either.

And that's how we began bonding over alcohol. We needed each other. But couldn't handle each other normally. Somewhere down the line we grew dependent on the alcohol to help float our conversations. Things graduated to graver spirits. Then weed. Hash. Coke. Things started to slip out of hand.

 Or so we thought.

But before I go any further-

(Now, guys. Drugs are BAD. Don't even think about doing them, ever, okay? )

The drugs started messing with our heads.We weren't us anymore.

We were just two incredibly stupid kids needing controlled substances desperately hoping it'd get some control back into our lives too. Bring some order from chaos.

I couldn't tell days from nights. Men from women. The only relevant person left in my world was her. 

But I did see what the drugs were doing to her. I almost couldn't recognize her beautiful face anymore, She was painfully thin. Her eyes were just cold marbles now. She had stopped smiling.

She had been crying out for help for so long, and look what I had done. 

I chickened out. I took the easy way out, and fed her the poison. 

I was the sole one to blame for what she had become.

I tried making things better, but she was too far gone. She began hating me for trying to stop her from what we'd been doing. She retreated deeper into the shadows getting further engulfed by her inner demons in the process.

She made a new group of friends and left me.

Still. I never gave up. And I never would.

I told her family about the problem. I could not let her do this to herself.

She hated me then, and it broke my heart but I just couldn't see her in the state she was. Her family loved her, they could salvage her from the depths of helplessness she had fallen into.

I called to check on her everyday. She hung up everytime. But I was relieved, because I knew that meant she was fine.

Angry. But alright.

 *

And then one day she left. Just like that. She was gone.

She left without telling me. Or anyone.

I miss her. And I hope shes in a better place now. She deserves it.

When morning comes again, I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by, until finally my time descends on me. I go to sleep,
And imagine that you're there with me.

I loved you Nadiya.

Still do. Always will.