Say what you gotta say.

Tristan Barker

Why the fuck can't so many of you speak your mind any more?
Toddlers and small children have the free will to speak absolute nonsense with complete confidence. Yet slowly their spirit is broken until they live passively aggressive, believing that they don't actually have the power to say what they believe. Try to bring back that outspoken child at least once a day.

Sure, people will disagree and you will face adversity for it but who gives a fuck? They're allowed their own opinion too, it's fine if theirs doesn't match yours as long as you know what you are confident in what you believe in. You will find your right crowd eventually.

Every time you hold your tongue, every time you let fear stop you from imposing your will you get that little bit weaker.
Every time you allow yourself to be overcome by external forces, your spirit is weathered and broken down that little bit more.

If you allow yourself to overcome fear you will empower yourself. Even if the outcome is failure, as long as you didn't back down and you take it on the chin you will make yourself that little bit stronger again.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, and it's more honourable to die on your feet than live on your knees.

If I can do it, why the hell can't you?

The other side.

Tristan Barker

Last night walking home, I felt a little bothered by the fact that when I gave my meal to a couple of homeless guys, their peace was broken by charity. They went from quiet and pitiful to aggressive, manipulative and animalistic as soon as there was something valuable around.

They yelled at each other, they yelled at me, and I just shook my head and walked away because it bothered me to see that side of human nature. However, as I walked away I only thought more and was even more disturbed by another thought.

The thought that really started to annoy me was the fact that people of all ages, all levels of wealth, all nationalities and almost every religion ALL act the same way when there is something up for grabs. I realized that in desperation, it doesn't seem unusual for a few hungry people to fight over a burger and fries and throw a few punches. But what did bother me, was the idea that those with unmeasurable wealth and power are just as desperate and unsatisfied but instead they fight over more wealth and power instead of basic tools for survival, and it's people like those very homeless people that suffer because of it.

Do you think you could love someone without ever seeing what they look like?

No.
You might love the way they make you feel.
You might love the attention they give you.
You might love who you think they are. 

The fact of the matter for some is,
Leave the mystery for books and movies. 

It's ALWAYS better to get to see the person before you get to know them. 

Some may say, "It's what's on the inside that counts..." Yeah, but a person has to APPEAL to you physically as well. You have a choice as to who you choose to invest your time, love, money, energy in so why not get someone that you can be happy looking at?

 

Yes. 

It all depends on how that person makes you feel inside. They make you feel special, and you like that, so you love them. Its natural, because you're not falling physically for them, it's all emotion. It's all what you've learned about the person and ways you've connected without physical interaction. The fact that you like each other without even getting physical makes it healthier. it is the meeting of the minds and soul rather than the superficial.

Ah, mushy dog love.

 

 

Me?  

Well I think you have to explore what your definition of love and or infatuation is.  Sure it's possible to think you are falling in love with some one but what's really happening is that while you are talking to this person you are also building up a mental image of what you think this person is. It's happened innumerable times before. Two people meet on twitter/facebook and begin to talk and develop these thoughts and images of the other person. They  make plans to finally meet, and when they do they may wind up disappointed because the actual person doesn't measure up to the mental image they had built them up to be in their mind. They go back home and most of the time never bother to speak to them again. Or the date probably blew anyway, because of the disappointment so you might need paramedics to get you home.

But well I don't know about facebook or twitter, but blind people still have love. So yeah, I think people can fall in love online. Heh.

Nadiya.

I'm not usually an intense guy. Sure, I love reading dark stuff. But it's not often that you'll catch me brooding over a failed relationship, a friendship gone sour, or an unfortunate event.
I'm the kind of guy who takes things on his stride, tries to get a  few laughs out of it and move on.
My friend lost her mother recently. She was my closest friend. My best friend. My everything.
And to see her devastated, broke me.
She displayed emotions I was alien to. Sadness in other people terrorized me. I didn't know how to deal with it. To calm her down. To be her shoulder to cry on. I didn't know how to tell her that I was there for her.

So I did what I thought was best.
I stayed away.
I thought I'd be giving her "space", but I knew it was my fear of the lack of empathy that I possessed that was keeping me away. And I'm sure she did too. There are some things that best friends just...know.
I wish there was a way I could just clasp her hand in mine, and tell her everything would be alright.

  

Instead even when she tried to reach out to me, out of the fear of doing something wrong to muddle things up, I awkwardly, and very stupidly, decided to stay away.

Months passed, we drifted apart, and the only time we spoke was when I was drunk out of my mind. Or she was out of hers.

That was the only time I wasn't scared of her. Of hurting her.

And when she got drunk she didn't remember a thing either.

And that's how we began bonding over alcohol. We needed each other. But couldn't handle each other normally. Somewhere down the line we grew dependent on the alcohol to help float our conversations. Things graduated to graver spirits. Then weed. Hash. Coke. Things started to slip out of hand.

 Or so we thought.

But before I go any further-

(Now, guys. Drugs are BAD. Don't even think about doing them, ever, okay? )

The drugs started messing with our heads.We weren't us anymore.

We were just two incredibly stupid kids needing controlled substances desperately hoping it'd get some control back into our lives too. Bring some order from chaos.

I couldn't tell days from nights. Men from women. The only relevant person left in my world was her. 

But I did see what the drugs were doing to her. I almost couldn't recognize her beautiful face anymore, She was painfully thin. Her eyes were just cold marbles now. She had stopped smiling.

She had been crying out for help for so long, and look what I had done. 

I chickened out. I took the easy way out, and fed her the poison. 

I was the sole one to blame for what she had become.

I tried making things better, but she was too far gone. She began hating me for trying to stop her from what we'd been doing. She retreated deeper into the shadows getting further engulfed by her inner demons in the process.

She made a new group of friends and left me.

Still. I never gave up. And I never would.

I told her family about the problem. I could not let her do this to herself.

She hated me then, and it broke my heart but I just couldn't see her in the state she was. Her family loved her, they could salvage her from the depths of helplessness she had fallen into.

I called to check on her everyday. She hung up everytime. But I was relieved, because I knew that meant she was fine.

Angry. But alright.

 *

And then one day she left. Just like that. She was gone.

She left without telling me. Or anyone.

I miss her. And I hope shes in a better place now. She deserves it.

When morning comes again, I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by, until finally my time descends on me. I go to sleep,
And imagine that you're there with me.

I loved you Nadiya.

Still do. Always will.

Diary of a wimpy kid. The Last straw.

You know how you're supposed to come up with s list of "resolutions" at the beginning of the year to try and make yourself a better person?

Well the problem is, its not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because im already pretty much the best person I know.
So this year my resolution is to try and help OTHER people to improve.

 For example:

•   STOP CHEWING WITH YOUR MOTH OPEN, LITTLE SISTER.

• STOP BREATHING TOO LOUD, DAD!
• STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE IN PUBLIC, STRANGERS!
• STOP OBSESSING OVER WHY I DON'T LOOK LIKE MATT BOMER, GIRLFRIENDS. :'(
• PLEASE LET ME DRINK ANOTHER GLASS OF WHISKEY, GUYS!

But the thing is, I'm finding out is that some people don't really appreciate it when you're trying to be helpful.

Besides, after I reminded my mom for the BILLIONTH time to stop chewing her chips so loud, she made a really good point.

She said, "Everyone can't possibly be as perfect as YOU, Raj."

And from what I've seen so far I think she's right.

Of Alchohol and Angels.

I think my parents were a little drunk when I was conceived.

I mean, dont get me wrong or anything. I love them, but think about it-
Who in their right mind would name their child Raj when their family name is CHAWLA?

The whole Raj-ma Chawal connection is so painfully obvious.
Now that I think about it, that's probably the reason I've turned out so twisted and Rajma Chawal-ish.
Whatever that means.

*Sobs under the table with a bottle of Jack's*

(Me, right now)

 What? Robin's hot, you guys!

*Cough*
Ahem. so, yeah. I'm okay.Where was I?
Yeah. If  the12 year old numb skulled bullies who used to annoy me in school could notice the clear cut link, then why couldn't my parents?

OBVIOUS SOLUTION-THEORY:

MY PARENTS WERE DRUNK WHEN I WAS CREATED.
The thought makes me want to reevaluate my entire life and probably just hide out in the bottom of the ocean forevermore.

 

Kill me now.

I should really stop talking about my parents' bedroom business to strangers on the internet. But bleh. I've been here for less than a week and I've found such amazing people already.

( Tofu, Anisha and Talitha. You guys are absolute angels.)

So the fact that people here are so awesome kinda makes me a little indifferent.

So I shall mope about my issues later. For now,

RAJMA CHAWAL

Hi. I'm Raj Chawla.
I used to get ragged in school because my mom would often give me Rajma Chawal for lunch. The bullies started referring to me as Rajma Chawal, and kept insulting me. I was beaten and mocked.

I would hide out in the toilets and eat my Rajma Chawal in peace. Hoping no one would barge right in and shove my face down a pot.

I became an introvert. No one knew I existed. Apart from my bullies of course.
Raj Chawla was lost in the sands of time.

BUT GUESS WHAT I DID ONE FINE DAY?
RAJMA CAME TO MY RESCUE AND I FARTED ON MY BULLIES. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM.

They never pestered me again.
The name stuck though.
But I revel in it, Hehh.